Adrift

Adrift

By Todd C. Feren

    As we sat in that boat, drifting in the eternal blackness of the midnight sea, I cherished her. 

    She was the reason I was alive, and I her. When I pulled her into this bright yellow lifeboat, I tore her away from the deadly arms of fate.  She was standing on the railing of that burning ship, and madness had found her before I could.  While others flailed wildly and leaped onto the sea to extinguish the flames that were quickly consuming their fancy clothes, she stood there in all her beauty and stared off into the depths of the sea.

    Who knows where we might be if I had never met Josepha Gaspar? 

    Perhaps I would still be in New York City, never knowing the warmth of love or the iciness of its unrequited agony. 

    She leaned over the side of the small yellow raft bobbing in the ocean and hummed. 

    Oh God, how she hummed.

    The sound emanating from her throat and vibrating between her perfect lips was like honey to my ears. The sweetness of the sound coming from my love was all I needed in this world or any other.  Her song was a happy one filled with love.

    But her song was not for me.

    There was a sorrowful sound to her song that tormented and taunted me because the sweet and beautiful sound was meant for him. 

    She hummed to the waves... Well, not to the waves, but the one far beneath them. Her sad song was for the one who couldn't ever possibly love her like I did.  If he had loved her even half as much as I did, he would have swam to the surface after being vanquished beneath it.  He would have fought off death and all of his unholy minions to be with her as I was.

    But I wasn’t truly with her.

    We shared this tiny lifeboat and silence, but that was all.  There had to be more.  I needed more.

    I tried to time out my inhales to quickly follow her exhales, desperate to share the same air with my love.  I tried to imagine the tiny molecules that lived in her breath, making their new home deep in my lungs and close to my heart.  Perhaps a few of mine would take root in her lungs and start an infection that would ravage her body and somehow make her love me.  

    For all the times I watched her as she would stroll along the deck with that man who didn’t love her enough to escape death.  I watched how she would laugh that perfect laugh before taking his arm in hers.  Then, she would crane her perfect neck and rest her delicate head on his shoulder.  Her eyes would sparkle as she gazed up at him.

    And he… 

    Oh, he would smile and play the part, but I knew his emotions for the falsity that they were.  His eyes didn’t sparkle like hers when he looked down into the two pools of loveliness that shimmered on her face.  His hand didn’t quiver with excitement as he caressed the silky pale perfection that was her skin.  

    To call it “skin” was a huge disservice.  It would be like calling the sun a mere light source.  No, her skin was the wrappings of something truly magical.  All those who dared to touch it could never be worthy of its proper perfection.  

    When I grabbed her by her wrists and pulled her into the vessel we now sit adrift in, my heart pounded so hard against my chest that I thought I would die before I could save her.  I genuinely believe I did not die from making that briefest of physical contact because I was destined to save her.  

    She needed me to save her.

    If I could save her, then maybe she could love me.  If I could keep her alive through this ordeal, maybe one day she would laugh and take my arm before looking at me with those two perfect glimmering eyes.  Perhaps she would see something in me that she had never seen in anybody else.  Maybe she could see something in me that nobody else ever has.

    Her hum was constant and heartbreaking.  

    I looked up at the butter-colored moon as it waned ever so slightly.  Its light was all I had to see, my love.  Even if the moon were to be harpooned and pulled into the ocean and its reflective light extinguished forever, I would still be able to see her.  My love radiates more brilliantly than a thousand exploding suns.  She shines brighter than heaven, and her beauty is unrivaled. 

    When I watched the way he kissed her, it made me hate him even more.  He kissed her like she was a common schoolgirl.  There was no passion on his part.  No fire.  I could easily see the boredom in his eyes and knew the sad life awaiting her if she continued with him.

    Perhaps this fire was the best thing I could have done for her.

    I ensured the fire would start below deck, and I was careful to disconnect the sprinklers that would have so quickly extinguished the small burgeoning flame.  But like my love, that flame grew larger and larger, consuming everything to reach her.  The fire tore through the ship quickly, and now I had an excuse to save her.  

    “I love you,” I said to her back as she continued to hum into the water.

    She turned her head and looked at me for the first time since I had saved her life.

    Her eyes were cold, and her cheeks were wet with tears and ocean mist.  As my love looked at me, I noticed something was missing in her eyes.

    What happened to the sparkle?  Where was that glimmer?  Did he do something?  Did he say something before I was able to free her from him?  He certainly was the type to hurt her.  At the same time, I would do anything for her.  

    As I prepared the lifeboat, I had to fight off a dozen men to keep this vessel free for us.  I couldn’t risk a panicked passenger tipping my lifeboat and spilling out my most precious cargo.

    Then he showed up.  For once, I was glad to see that she wasn’t with him.  It proved to me that he didn’t love her.  I would have never left her alone.  But this rat was trying to escape a burning ship and leaving the real treasure behind. 

    “I freed you,” I said aloud, pleading with her.  She never turned back to me.  She just began humming again into the water.  

    He ran to me, looking to gain entry into our lifeboat.  I was glad she wasn’t there.  I didn’t want her to see the horror of what I had to do to set her spirit free.  

    I watched as he fell into the sea.  I looked in his eyes as he vanished beneath the surface of the cold mid-Atlantic water, and I felt as though I had slain the dragon all by myself.  But where was my princess?  I ran towards the direction that he came, and when I turned the corner, I could no longer hear women and children screaming.  I could no longer see the panicked masses looking for safety.  

    I only saw her.

    My love.  

    It was as if her presence calmed the chaos that surrounded us.  Time didn’t stop, but it moved at a different pace for us.  I reached out my hand and grabbed her by the wrist to the triumphant sound of angels heralding my love and sacrifice for her.

    Now we sit in our floating haven, and I can’t find the words to bring her back from her madness.  

    What did he do to you?  I thought repeatedly as I stared at her back from my side of the boat.  I wanted to caress her.  I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her that I would love her like he never could.  I just wanted her to know that we would always be together from now on.  

    Nothing could keep us apart.

    I crossed the small space separating us and grabbed her tightly in my arms.  I pulled her towards me and inhaled deeply so that I might smell her sweetly perfumed hair.  

    The flowery smell of my love’s hair was marred by the acrid smell of smoke from the burning ship I had saved her from.

    She screamed and reached back with one hand to push me away.  Her hand was wet, and I could feel the water soaking through my shirt.  I fell back against the side of the boat, causing it to rock violently for a few seconds.  But, then, my love…

    She turned back to the dark water beneath us and began humming again. As if the ocean was being soothed by my love’s sweet song, the boat calmed.  The gentle sound of my love’s song and the whispering of the water lapping against the side of our boat nearly put me to sleep.  

    “You just need time,” I told her, but she hummed so loudly that I didn’t think she could hear me.

    I slowly drifted off to sleep and could hear my angel’s sorrowful song throughout the night.  It perforated my mind and invaded my dreams, but I was glad to have her with me.  When I awoke, she was no longer humming.  She sat with her back to me and continued to look down into the depths of the sea.  The sun had just begun to peak over the salty edge of the Earth, and the tiniest sliver of light streaked across the vast emptiness towards us.  The heat of that tiny sliver was enjoyable, yet without my love holding me, my heart was still cold and empty.  I reached to my chest to feel my heartbeat as a reminder that I was still alive and not deceased and drifting through heaven with my love.  Looking down at my shirt, I was shocked by a bright crimson streak across my chest.  

    Confusion rippled through my brain, and I ripped my shirt open to see where the blood originated.  To my surprise, there wasn’t an injury to account for the stain.  

    She began to hum again.

    Then I remembered her pushing me away last night.  I remembered her hand being wet with what I had only assumed was water.  

    “Are you hurt?” I cried, lunging towards her.  “Let me see!”

    She screamed and shrugged her shoulders to throw me off of her, but instead of falling back, I fell to the side of her.  My head fell just over the side of the boat, and I could see her delicate hands in the water.  Her fragile fingers tightly gripped the bloody collar of my one true enemy.  

    His face was nearly crushed, but it was still very clearly him.  His eyes were open, and the salt water had given them a slight milky look.  The gash in his temple where I struck him with the oar and knocked him overboard was no longer pumping blood out of it.  The damage from when I dropped the lifeboat into the water and crushed him was the most difficult to look at.  His skin was bloated from the sea, and his bleeding had attracted predatory fish during the night.  Pieces of him were floating independently, but my love refused to let go of him throughout the night.  She hummed to him while he drifted through the darkness with us.

    No wonder she refused my affections last night.  She was still holding onto the painful memories of the past.  I used the oar I struck him with and pushed his body beneath the water.  My love screamed and tried to pull him back, but I was much stronger.  The fabric of his expensive dress shirt tore like paper in her grasp.  The water distorted his features so much that the lower he sank, the more alive he looked.  

    “He’s gone,” I said to her as she sobbed.  “It’s just us now.”

    She began to hum again.

    Why can’t she see that this is all for her?  This is all for our happiness.

    Then, my love did the unthinkable.

    She clumsily clambered over the side of our humble vessel and splashed into the icy morning water. I stood shocked by her sudden action and watched as her feet breached the water’s surface only once as she attempted to swim straight down into the murky depths below us.  Without thinking, I dove after her.  I saved her once, and I could do it again.  The saltwater burned my eyes, but I forced them to remain open so that I could find my love.  

    She didn’t know what she was doing.  I had to save her.

    I saw something below me moving lower into the darkness.  Her dress was white, which was the only thing that allowed me to see her in the darkness.  I reached out with a desperate hand and gripped the soft fabric of her dress.  I pulled with everything I had, but something heavier seemed to pull her down.  My eyes stung as I looked through the cloudy water and saw him.  She had him by the arm, and I couldn’t pry her away.  

    Or did he have her arm?

    I prayed to God that I had the strength to pull her towards me, and as if by his divine command, she floated up toward me.  

    I can save her again.  I thought.  My lungs were burning, and we were under the water for what felt longer than possible.  I pulled her to me and kicked with everything I had to get us to the surface.  Her body quaked as she could no longer hold her breath.  She began taking deep breaths and filling her lungs with water.

    No!

    She pulled away from me again and drifted there, taking more deadly breaths of water.  Her eyes finally gave me that sparkle I longed for before the life of my love drifted away from her.  She began to sink away from me and back down towards him slowly.  My lungs burned for oxygen, but I had no desire to live in a world without my love.  I was ready to join her forever.

    In the end, it was the sound of the motors that drew me to the surface.  As I bobbed in the water, I could see the search boats heading towards the floating yellow lifeboat that had been the brief home for me and my love.  If only they had gotten to us a little sooner, we could have been together forever.

    Now, when I walk down the streets late at night, I sometimes hear her humming.  Her lovely voice echoes through the alleys and leads me to other women I can love.

    Women I can love in the same way I loved her.

    There have been many, and it always ends in the same unfortunate way.

    But I’ll never stop my search. My love’s sweet humming guides me to a new potential partner every night. She wants me to find happiness like the happiness that was stolen from us.

    Because everyone deserves happiness.